Blind Review Friday.The author shall remain anonymous (unless they chose to divulge themselves in the comments.)
Those commenting are also welcome to remain anonymous if they wish.
Incendiary comments will be removed.
If you would like your piece thrown to the wolves send it to salinger@ameritech.net with "Workshop the hell out of this poem" as the subject line.
Last week's piece - Done With - was by Nina Alvarez.
This week's offering is from a Clevelandpoetics - The Blog reader:
Distance weeps between our love;
A separation spawned from above.
Distain that drips from eye to cheek,
My heart in whisper promised to seek.
Seconds creep as sand does drip
And others’ melancholy smiles do sip;
Surrounded by brews to beat our hearts.
My blemished mind will not depart!
A fiery glow that seeks to find
Another sweet and blameless mind,
Yet happiness wilts without your glow;
Another smile, another show.
It beats for you and thrusts me near,
It calls for you, but you cannot hear
Mellifluous, it sings sweet songs
Dissolving all life’s errors and wrongs.
Chances bloom from here to you,
Each more distant; I can’t construe.
Plummeting. Darkness. And silence as well.
A beat with a whisper: “I shouldn’t have fell”.
1 comment:
I admire the ambition of writing rhymed couplets in iambic tetrameter. A couple of places here you had to twist the English awkwardly around fit the rhyme-- nobody would actually say "sand does drip" or "smiles do dip," so this sounds rather artificial.
My main comment, though, is that the poem doesn't seem to build toward a climax-- I'm not sure that the concluding couplet really had moved any further than the beginning. There's no turning point. I think you still need to find a killer line to build up to.
Summary, it's a fine piece for what it is, very ambitious, but not yet a brilliant piece.
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