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Friday, October 10, 2008

Blind Review Friday

Blind Review Friday.

The author shall remain anonymous (unless they chose to divulge themselves in the comments.)

Those commenting are also welcome to remain anonymous if they wish.

Incendiary comments will be removed.

If you would like your piece thrown to the wolves send it to salinger@ameritech.net with "Workshop the hell out of this poem" as the subject line.




AS SIMPLE AS THIS



All night I’ve sat alone in front

of my bedroom window, my thoughts

clinging to the image of a kid

whose voice trembled like a

riot in his school’s parking lot

before the start of class.

His cries for help unheard, muffled by

a ripple of steel in the catch

of his voice. The taste of potassium

nitrate, sulphur, and charcoal

quieting on his lips as he carved

backwards with a bullet,

the march of his loneliness.

The suddenness of it all like

déjà vu or a snake bite. His head

exploding like a disturbed

bees’ nest, coloring red the pavement

with the name calling,

punches to his face, chest and stomach,

as students and faculty

members stood stunned into

perfect grace. That which the

agnostics speak of being unknowable

passing like a requiem through

their bones. I do not know how

hard a life has to break in order

for someone to want to take it,

though sitting here in this

empty room with nothing to keep

me company but my thoughts and an

ugly reflection of my face lost

somewhere between the night’s

rain and a thin plate of glass,

I imagine it isn’t



much.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Vivid imagery. Below.

"His head
exploding like a disturbed
bees’ nest, coloring red the pavement
with the name calling,"

One question I have learned while writing poetry is, The small words or the one word at the bottom of the poem, can it hold the rest of the poem up? Using the word "much" in the same line as the rest of the sentence will have as much effect on the poem as it does by itself at the bottom.

This poem sounds narrative and I can feel the urgency in it with the line breaks.

Very good!

-tg

Anonymous said...

I agree, very narrative. but the line breaks give it a sort of halting, belabored feel, as these kinds of considerations would feel late in the night. seems very appropriate to the mood created here.

haunting.

Anonymous said...

My comment has to do with continuity. There are a couple places where the poem feels disjointed and out of agreement, as in:

"I do not know how
hard a life has to break in order
for someone to want to take it...
I imagine it isn’t
much."

How about, "I do not know what it takes to break a life for someone to want to take it...
I imagine it isn't much". Does that make sense?

I like the ripple of steel in the catch of his voice and carving backward with the bullet. Nice imagery. I like the whole idea.

tb

Cited...

The poet doesn't invent. He listens. ~Jean Cocteau