Blind Review Friday.The author shall remain anonymous (unless they chose to divulge themselves in the comments.)
Those commenting are also welcome to remain anonymous if they wish.
Incendiary comments will be removed.
If you would like your piece thrown to the wolves send it to salinger@ameritech.net with "Workshop the hell out of this poem" as the subject line.
AS SIMPLE AS THIS
All night I’ve sat alone in front
of my bedroom window, my thoughts
clinging to the image of a kid
whose voice trembled like a
riot in his school’s parking lot
before the start of class.
His cries for help unheard, muffled by
a ripple of steel in the catch
of his voice. The taste of potassium
nitrate, sulphur, and charcoal
quieting on his lips as he carved
backwards with a bullet,
the march of his loneliness.
The suddenness of it all like
déjà vu or a snake bite. His head
exploding like a disturbed
bees’ nest, coloring red the pavement
with the name calling,
punches to his face, chest and stomach,
as students and faculty
members stood stunned into
perfect grace. That which the
agnostics speak of being unknowable
passing like a requiem through
their bones. I do not know how
hard a life has to break in order
for someone to want to take it,
though sitting here in this
empty room with nothing to keep
me company but my thoughts and an
ugly reflection of my face lost
somewhere between the night’s
rain and a thin plate of glass,
I imagine it isn’t
much.
3 comments:
Vivid imagery. Below.
"His head
exploding like a disturbed
bees’ nest, coloring red the pavement
with the name calling,"
One question I have learned while writing poetry is, The small words or the one word at the bottom of the poem, can it hold the rest of the poem up? Using the word "much" in the same line as the rest of the sentence will have as much effect on the poem as it does by itself at the bottom.
This poem sounds narrative and I can feel the urgency in it with the line breaks.
Very good!
-tg
I agree, very narrative. but the line breaks give it a sort of halting, belabored feel, as these kinds of considerations would feel late in the night. seems very appropriate to the mood created here.
haunting.
My comment has to do with continuity. There are a couple places where the poem feels disjointed and out of agreement, as in:
"I do not know how
hard a life has to break in order
for someone to want to take it...
I imagine it isn’t
much."
How about, "I do not know what it takes to break a life for someone to want to take it...
I imagine it isn't much". Does that make sense?
I like the ripple of steel in the catch of his voice and carving backward with the bullet. Nice imagery. I like the whole idea.
tb
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