Blind Review Friday.The author shall remain anonymous (unless they chose to divulge themselves in the comments.)
Those commenting are also welcome to remain anonymous if they wish.
Incendiary comments will be removed.
If you would like your piece thrown to the wolves send it to salinger@ameritech.net with "Workshop the hell out of this poem" as the subject line.
Thanks for all the comments on last week's piece - The Quiet World by Jeff McDaniel. Word on the street is that there is a chance the author will be doing a reading at Cleveland State in the near future - this event is still in the maybe column as of this writing, let's hope it comes to fruition.
This week we have a local submission:
Its Gold Still Greens With Tattered Light
We held within ourselves a small infinity
when time had just begun and place
was anywhere we were.
We sang our hymn to all creation
the choirs in our souls hoshanned
no measure of our days was taken.
We signed a holy body language then
when love's alchemy raged across the sky
and we drank its rainbow potions.
Its gold still greens with tattered light
our run down and decaying shrines.
7 comments:
I like this a lot. But I wonder if hoshanned is a misprint (I don't recognize the word). If the author means "hosannahed" (praised), I love it.
The only other explanation I can come up with is that the "hoshanned" is meant in the sense of "yeared" (a manipulation of Rosh Hoshanah?)
Good poem, though....
To begin, I do want to say that I really liked the colors and textures of the closing couplet.
But I'll be honest, I had some trouble reading this.
The first line felt like it should have broken sooner. And throughout the piece, I really wanted some punctuation, a comma here and there for a little guidance in the readability. Particularly in the second stanza. The phrasing felt a bit archaic and awkward throughout, but I think with a little punctuation guidance that would be made clearer.
I also got the feeling that the author wanted the first and third lines of the stanzas to rhyme, but trying to figure out if they were supposed to rhyme or not distracted me from the poem itself.
Overall, i felt like the author was trying too hard to maintain a certain structure. I'd like to see the reworked piece without regard to a specific structure, letting the poem breathe a bit more.
i feel like it needs another stanza, like it's not finished. I noticed that it is three three lined stanzas (Tercet?) and the last line is two lines. That might be why I don't feel full. I need some dessert. ;)
I like it.
I agree with Jesus C., the word "hoshanned" probably is a typo for "hosannahed". Actually, I don't like "hosanna" very much as a verb-- couldn't you do "sang hosanna"? (or "sang hoshana" if you prefer the Hebrew spelling).
Like Anonymous2, I though that the final couplet seemed unfinished when I read it the first time, but on rereading, I like it just fine-- seems very powerful and complete.
I like alot of the imagery in the poem and think with some reworking it would be excellent.
Beyond the hoshanned issue, I agree with anonymous 1 that punctuation would help to give the reader some direction. It seemed as though the line breaks were expected to serve in the place of punctuation and it didn't quite work.
Looking between stanza 2 and 3, I would add an "and" between hoshanned and no measure for symmetry.
And if "run down" in the final line is intended to be an adjective, shouldn't it be "run-down"? I thought run was a verb and it totally confused by the sentence. Maybe I'm still totally confused!
I like the imagery too. I agree with the punctuation issue. If you're going to punctuate, be consistent - if not, then don't do it anywhere, although the poem will have to be tighter and better directed, I think.
The last line confuses me most. Does the "It" refer to the "holy body language" or to "its potions"? and is "greens" a verb? That's how I read it. The last two lines seem like a lament to the rest of the poem, and make me want more explanation how "it" all decayed. Maybe there's more to write?
tb
Thanks to everyone for your generous comments and excellent suggestions.
I apologize for hoshanned and run down. I had a feeling hohanned was misspelled but I had already sent it. I should have known better about rundown. I blame it on decay.
Punctuation and line breaks are serious problems for me.There was no conscious attempt to rhyme. The 1st stanza & the title line came to me whole.It was a gift I could not spurn.I don't think I was trying to maintain a structure as much as I was trying to match the quality of what might be termed the " more received " lines and how the lines sounded together.It felt very organic to me.
So the last 2 lines just seemed to be where the poem ended for me.
I see that I have put a lot of weight on "Its" in the next to last line of the poem. What I was trying to get at here is a sense of loss overcome or redeemed so that "Its gold" is the gold in totality of all those previous things that still lives and transcends the decay.So there is lament but also joy.
Again many thanks!
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